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For several years, I've completed a Writing Challenge with many people all over the globe. We write something inspired by prompts for 21 days plus an introduction. This year, the prompts are about place, and I've chosen the River Porter in Sheffield.  The posts touch upon the river's history but they're also about what it means to me.  I'm not following the river in any order except that the first 10 posts are about the Porter Valley and the second 10 posts are about the Porter in the city.  I hope some readers will participate and I have a couple of challenges; see the paragraphs in bold towards the end.  (Scroll to the end for the full header image.)

Excuse me.  Do you have the right time?

I have the wrong time, if that’s any use to you.

Not really no. 

You could come back when it’s the same time as my watch.

Oh, of course your watch has stopped.

Never started.

Are you some sort of librarian?

Very perceptive of you.  I’m the world’s only park keeper and librarian.

Why does a park need a librarian?

To look after the books of course.

And you’re married?

Of course, Missie Mousie and I’ve been very happy for many years.

I thought she married a frog!

Nah, my wedding was misreported by some young taddy who couldn’t tell a toad from a frog.

What’s the difference?

Search me!  Look, this is not the time for idle chit-chat.  Would you like a guided tour of the park?

Well, I’ve known Endcliffe Park all my life, so I’m not sure you can show me anything new.  You know, this is my standard for great parks.  I compare every park I visit to this one.

Any better?

None I can think of.

I could show you the stepping stones.

Seen ‘em.

Queen Victoria?

Seen her.

She’s a lot more fun than you’d think.  Get her down off that pedestal of hers and she’s the life and soul.  She once put a traffic cone on her head and climbed back up.  Everyone thought it was vandals.

Hilarious.

Oh, you’re hard to please.  I know, where the plane crashed.

Beautiful spot but I’ve been there.

Hmm.  OK did you know the park had three mill ponds?

No, I don’t think so.

You’ve got Nether Spurgear at the far end, then Holme Wheel in the middle and finally, the forgotten one, Endcliffe Wheel.

I’d like to see that.

I’ll take you there.  Hop on my back. 

You move very well for a metal toad.

Thank you.  I used to be a lot more wooden.  Here we are. 

Where.

This grassed area.  You see it’s above the level of the path.  When I was a taddy, it was a swimming pool for men and boys.  But the posh people living nearby accused them of lewd behaviour and so the council closed it.  That was in ’38 I think.  Then in the 50s they filled it in.

You know, I once sat here and never knew what was below the surface.  It must have been in the early 80s.  My sister left her first dog for a short while with my parents and they asked me to take him to the park.  An easy job, they said, let him off the lead and let him run around and he’ll come back when you call him.

He was a Heinz with a lot of long-haired wheaten, Wellie by name, after the Perishers comic strip.  He was very good-natured, friendly and bonkers.  At my sister’s he was followed around by two adoring cats.  He collected trees …

Get on with it, it’s getting dark.

Little did I know he had a plan.  My plan was to call at the newsagents for a Guardian and then I could read it as he ran around.  His plan was to get to the park.  He usually lived in London but he knew the way to the park and the newsagents was not on the way.  We arrived at this spot in the park, sans Guardian and I let him free and I sat on one of these benches.

He went up to another dog about half his size and knocked it over.  Then to the next dog and knocked it over and soon the whole place was covered by bewildered dogs.  Then he approached a huge dog – oh no I thought – and knocked that one over.

I called him, put him on his lead and we set off back, mission accomplished.  Now I was allowed in the newsagents.

There are stories of a terrifying monster who floored every dog in the park.  We tell it to terrify the puppies.  And Wellie’s a stupid name.  Destroyer’s much better.

He was only playing. 

Keep your dog on a leash, I say.

Actually, I couldn’t agree more.  Farewell, my friend.

Tara. 

How might posts of this type be used for marketing?  Think about how you might use this post or a post like it to promote your business.  I add a few thoughts after each post, like this:

This post depends on the reader looking at the picture and noticing the wristwatch and ring.  I like to think the opening is influenced by Lewis Carrol and a traditional folk song, "A frog he would a-wooing go".  YouTube does not seem to cover the version I remember.  The version that goes "Hey Ho says Anthony Rowley" is present in many versions.  My version does not involve Anthony Rowley.  The title of this post is from the verse that goes "What shall the wedding breakfast be?  Hmm Hmmm / (repeated three times) /  three squashed flies and a bumblebee, Hmm Hmmm, Hmm Hmmm."  If anyone remembers this version and can find it online, it would be great to hear from you.

This kind of nonsense may be of greater service than it first seems.  First, it's fun and I hope readable.  But it's really about Endcliffe Park.  All the places mentioned exist.  I could have said more about the plane crash but it didn't seem appropriate in a light-hearted post.  Even the bit about the toad once being more wooden refers to the history of the sculpture; the toad was once made of wood.  And of course, I know of the three dams, obviously.

I hope this helps you visualise what is unarguably the greatest park in the world.  And not just its amenities and attractions but also how it feels, its atmosphere (at least to my mind). 

My other challenge is for Sheffielders.  Do you have anything to share about the Porter?  Your experiences along it, bits and pieces of history you've uncovered, folklore you've heard.  If you remember something, please share it in the comments.  (Or maybe you are more familiar with other rivers in Sheffield, you could share those too.)  Let's see what we can find out over the coming weeks.

This is the eighth of 21 stories about the Porter.  The last story was: The Same River Twice.  The next is: Upwelling.

Here he is ...